I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
