I just saw a hot homeless man
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
