True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
