Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
