I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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