I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
