So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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