Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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