I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
