she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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