Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
