dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My balls are so social today.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
