I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
