anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
