Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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