By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
