the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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