your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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