You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
