I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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