Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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