I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
