My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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