Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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