i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
