shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
As shirtless as possible
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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