Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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