please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We are two peas in an std pod
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
