The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
