I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
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