She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize