I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
