Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
