3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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