the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
