when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
