I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
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