God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
