Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
