dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
