toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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