Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
