So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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