Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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