this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
