Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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