You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
