I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
