My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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