so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
