Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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