I accidentally had phone sex last night
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
