Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
