how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
