so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
