im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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