she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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