what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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