went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
