Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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