if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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