I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
