i love accidental penises.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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