Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
